As Far as It Depends on You

Do you ever hear comments like these? "I love the church, but some of the roughest people to get along with are the folks who worship with me on Sunday." "Some people are like porcupines: the closer they get to you, the more they hurt you." "One of my relatives is driving me crazy! How can I respond to someone who makes others miserable but thinks everyone else is the problem?"

Difficult people. They're as prevalent as the common cold, and just as hard to cure. Some call them "irregular people," "well-intentioned dragons," or EGRs ("Extra Grace Required"). Like speedbumps on a highway, they slow you down and make it harder to move ahead. In the bank of our relationships, they make lots of withdrawals and very few deposits.

They act as if their spiritual gift is irritation and their role in the body is "thorn in the flesh." They're hard to get along with, hard to figure out, and hard to like. They're difficult to work with or agree with. They're busy rocking the boat while others try to row. Like an ocean undercurrent, their negative attitudes may not appear on the surface, but they drag people down, destroy morale, and create an atmosphere of tension and suspicion rather than encouragement and trust.

In Well-Intentioned Dragons: Ministering to Problem People in the Church, Marshall Shelley writes that people like these are in every church. That’s why church leaders need to have "the mind of a scholar, the heart of a child, and the hide of a rhinoceros."

But difficult people aren't the only ones we encounter as we serve the Lord. Moses had to deal with hard-hearted Pharaoh—but he also enjoyed Aaron's support. David had to contend with Saul's explosive anger—but he also found godly strength in his friend Jonathan. Paul endured the desertion of his fickle coworker Demas—but he shared deep bonds of fellowship with others like Timothy and Luke. Jesus had his Judas, but there also were faithful, beloved disciples like John.

The unpleasant fact is, all of us are difficult people at times. It's easy to recognize stubbornness, self-centeredness, and annoying personality quirks in others, but it's hard to confess our own faults. Christ gave his life for all of us "while we were still sinners" (Romans 5:8), and his grace motivates us to see others—even difficult people—not merely as sources of irritation but as objects of love. He helps us see the beauty behind the ugliness, the potential behind the problems, the wounds behind the anger.

But even after we pray and follow the biblical guidelines for reconciliation, some individuals remain unchanged. What then? Scripture advises, "Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone" (Romans 12:17, 18). That's the key: "as far as it depends on you."

Dealing with difficult people is—well, difficult! But "as far as it depends on you," take the initiative to: Do what's kind. (Overcome evil with good.) Do what's right. (Instead of slipping into an unproductive cycle of retaliation, leave vengeance where it belongs—with the Lord.) Do what's possible. (You can't control what another person does, but you can do everything in your power to make peace possible.) Do what's gracious. ("If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.")

Oswald Chambers wrote, "Jesus had some extraordinarily funny sheep, some bedraggled, dirty sheep, some awkward, butting sheep, some sheep that have gone astray . . . but if I love my Lord . . . I have to feed his sheep." And that includes the difficult ones.