The Problem with 'Starter Marriages'

Americans spend about $38 billion per year on weddings. But are they getting what they pay for?

Not according to Pamela Paul. An editor at American Demographics, she has written a new book called The Starter Marriage and the Future of Matrimony (Random House, 2002). Her research shows that 20 percent of divorces in first marriages now occur within the first 5 years of the wedding. There's even a new nickname for this phenomenon: “starter marriages.”

Statistics reflect but cannot measure the emotional, spiritual, and financial toll our nation pays when families break down. Researchers for the United States Center for Disease Control surveyed nearly 11,000 American women and found that one woman in three had divorced within 10 years of her first wedding. Since 1970, each year more than one million children in the United States have suffered through the divorce of their parents. Half of all American children will see their parents divorce before the children reach their eighteenth birthday.

How can the church help to turn these trends around? For one thing, instead of entering matrimony thinking of it as a possible "starter marriage," couples need to focus on how to get the marriage off to a good start! Here are some basics.

Don't live together prior to marriage. When an unmarried couple engage in sexual relations, they violate the biblical standard of sexual purity and undermine their trust and commitment level even before the marriage begins. Contrary to popular myths, living together prior to marriage doesn't ensure compatibility. Forty percent of cohabiting couples break up before marrying, and another 40 percent divorce within 10 years of marrying. Abuse rates are higher for cohabiters than for married couples. For example, compared to married women and their husbands, unmarried pregnant women are four times more likely to be beaten by boyfriends.

Seek wise counsel prior to marriage. Most churches offer (or require) pre-marriage counseling or classes. It's exciting to plan the wedding ceremony and reception, but these only last a few hours, while marriage is a lifetime commitment. Pray together; talk with your minister; read and discuss Scriptures like 1 Corinthians 13, Ephesians 5, and Colossians 3; read good books about Christian marriage; spend time with older couples who have healthy marriages.

Expect adjustments in the early years of marriage. It's normal for couples to struggle with personality clashes, financial pressures, sexual adjustments, and extended family issues. Be patient. Give yourselves time to grow. Even the Law of Moses made allowances to help newlyweds get off to a good start. Deuteronomy 24:5 says, "If a man has recently married, he must not be sent to war or have any other duty laid on him. For one year he is to be free to stay at home and bring happiness to the wife he has married."

Grow together through the seasons of marriage. The Bible encourages husbands, "rejoice in the wife of your youth." But it also goes on to say, "may you ever be captivated by her love" (Proverbs 5:18, 19). There's joy at the beginning of marriage, but there's also something wonderful about two people who stay captivated with each other's love through decades of shared joys and sorrows.

If a wedding is in your future, set your sights on something far better than a starter marriage: a happy and lasting one.